Three Reasons Men Don’t Grow Up
Ever heard, or said, this statement?“I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up?” I’ve heard it from guys many, many, many times. So, why is that an acceptable way for us guys to answer “What do you do?” Is it just a politer form of: “I haven’t a clue!” And it doesn’t tend to come from 18 year olds… more likely 45 year olds, 55 year olds…
Really, what’s being said is: “I don’t know what I’m great at.” Or “I don’t know what I am supposed to do with my life…. and time is running out.” “I don’t have a higher purpose” “I never took that class on finding my calling in life.”
So, why do so many men NOT grow up in this way? I’d like to suggest three things..
1. No one ever helped us discover (or engage) a bigger dream: We skipped right through that part of life… too busy taking classes, playing sports, working to make some extra dough, or dating Mary Lou. Even our religious and spiritual training didn’t do much(probably nothing) to help us in this area. As time moved on we just became busy working, making “a living,” trying to stay “in shape,” making some extra dough and trying to keep Mary Lou happy. Besides, we figured that a dream was just an egotistical and selfish thing and not much related to real practicality. So, when we lost our job, instead of seeing it as an opportunity really focus our efforts on honing in on our God-given dream, we called a “head hunter” learned how to write a resume.. and moved on. Instead of dreaming “dangerous dreams” (as T.E. Lawrence called them) or of addressing the world’s largest needs, we settled for a reasonable vacation once in a while.
2. We never declared our values: If values involve deciding what matters most to us, never declaring them relates to the saying, ”If you shoot for nothing you’ll hit it every time!” And when we never decide what’s MOST important to us, we get to float along seeing what makes us feel happy now…. If we don’t draw a line in the sand and say, “Here’s what I stand for,” we’ll stand for this… then for that… depending on how we feel.
- If my family isn’t a high value, I’ll let them wait when they demand too much.
- If faith isn’t a value, I won’t do what it takes to nurture a relationship with God.
- If serving others isn’t a value, I won’t reach out to others I can help.
3. We don’t see the benefits of being grown up. Frankly, if ”grown ups” are those frowning, responsible types, why would we seek to grow up? “Pass me a beer and the chips please!” BUT, if we were to redefine grown-ups as purposeful, passionate and joy-filled people, who do what they love and love what they do… then that might be kind of attractive. Are there a few good real models of dreaming, value-driven and adventurous men who will lead the rest? I’d want to find what I could ”be when I grow up” if real grown-ups didn’t just walk away, but walked with others ready and willing to take that journey.
And if that happened, some day, those 18 years olds will 1. Believe in the beauty of their own dreams (Eleanor Roosevelt), 2. Choose their values and decide what matters most in their life before they get to mid-age crisis, have an affair, or become addicted to something much smaller… and 3. Redefine growing up to include living life with purpose and passion.
But, then again, I seriously wonder if it’s too late for my generation….
Well, those are three reasons I see. Do you see some others?
Jeff,
For me, there are two other factors that contribute:
1) I never learned what it is that I love to do. It’s very difficult to do what I love, and love what I do, when I don’t know what it is that I love. I don’t know how common it is for men to struggle with answering that question about themselves, but it’s one that I’ve been trying to solve for several years now.
2) Knowing exactly what my strengths are, and how to live out of those strengths. This one is less of a factor than the first one, but I have spent plenty of time working through my strengths too.
As I raise three daughters, I want to help them be able to discover and engage in bigger dreams, and to know what they love to do. Do you have any suggestions for how to engage kids in that process?
Matt, thanks SO much for sharing this! Yes, I share your desire for your kids. I desperately want to see the next generation have what we didn’t: adults who not only taught them reading, writing and arithmatic, but how to discover AND engage their dreams,callings and strenghths. With that in mind, I have been actively engaged with a team of adults and teens to develop a curriculum and coaching process called DIrectionNOW. It starts with their dreams, but helps them also uncover their skills and even develop a plan to learn according to what we call their “educational aptitudes.” I’d be thrilled to share more about it with you over coffee. We continue to recruit volunteers who share a desire to see youth find their direction…now!
“I don’t wanna grow up, ’cause I’m a toy’s ‘r us kid . . .”